[blind rambling, or what came out]

i don't really know how i thought it would turn out. i still i guess don't really know how it will actually end up being. something dead, perhaps, suddenly, violently. but couldn't we say that about any of our lives. about any of the lives of the ones that we love. something horrible could happen to any one of us, anyone that we remotely care about. the people we make while making love. the people we meet on the street. the people we meet in schools, as we learn, as we learn, as we learn. there is a vulnerability there that eases friendship. and yet when we choose something that seems so much weaker, so much more dependent, it seems more reckless to love them. almost like marrying someone. you both become so weak and helpless, like kittens, like babies. you even call each other baby. like mothers, like lovers, like babies. and so to see something hurt or die that is so inescapably weak. and so to fear their pain like nothing else, not even like fearing your own pain. to be able to do nothing for them. to stand and watch as god or evil or biology takes over. something Else. something terrible. ineffably. but really, our days are much simpler than our fears. or at least, we could hope that they are. for our fears stretch immeasurably out.